This one is for Viv...

It is an unfortunate thing that you can't check myspace anymore...anyway...

I had a great day today even though it started with Ancient Near Eastern History at 8:30 in the freakin mornin! However, Ty and Michael are in there so they make it much more pleasant...

Next, I found a new love....Michael and I played racket ball today...I could play racket ball every day of my life if I knew someone that would play. Michael has played 2 times now and I think he is sick of it. Ah well...he's a trooper! He may hang in there a couple more games. If any of you are interested please tell me! I would love to play. I am not very good, but I like to try and mostly to have fun!!!

Anyway...so then I went to work, and here I sit. John Bunyan's Pilgrams progress was putting me to sleep so I had to put it away...It is an unfortunate thing that I am so bored by that book. It seems as if I could learn a lot from it. I think the concept is cool, and I think that if someone read it to me it might be more interesting...any takers? Viv- you said you wanted to read it again...mind starting at page 75?

I have been thinking a lot about life lately and how we just don't know what is going to happen...I was thinking about God and how in the world does he keep everyone's life in order? That is why he is much more than we could ever fathom. Praying about a few things that have been (unusually) on my mind the past week. A lot about loyalty, patience, and trust. One thing I have been asking myself latley is, do I believe God answers prayer? Yes. But the deeper question is, do I believe that God can answer a prayer according to the desires of my heart. I mean obviously those desires would have to coincide with his desires, but I ask myself, what do you believe God for? I think about the things that I desire and then ask myself, do you believe that God can or even would give you those things? I'll leave it there...I have no further thinking on this subject...

I can't wait to talk to Angie on Tuesday. I really want and need to spill over some of these things going on in my head. That for whatever reason I can not communicate. I have tried and failed miserably. I am not sure if its just that I am not communicating it to the right people or even, in particular the right person. There are many things going on in my heart at the moment. Things that normally seem so small and insignificant, have enlarged a great deal and seem to require a lot of my attention. Careful thought. Prayer. Understanding. And above all, the thing I lack the most, patience.

I have seen latley my lack in the area of discernment. I can't tell when to hold back and when to push forward. I can't tell when the Holy Spirit is talking to me and when I am talking to myself. It is a scarey thought actually. I desire to hear and follow the voice of God, but I, for whatever reason, have a hard time either hearing him at the onset, or second guessing myself, and thinking its just me when the Holy Spirit is speaking to me. Or it is just me, and I surely don't want to listen to my self with out the instruction of Christ.

I read C.J. mahaney's Cross Centered Life, and in there he talks about how we need to stop listening to ourselves, get our own attention, and start talking to ourselves about the truth's of God and who we are to him. That is what really gets me. Believing in myself from God's view point. I need to start telling myself to see myself as God sees me and strive to be the person He created me to be. I believe this plays into discernment...if I am speaking God truths to myself, then I am speaking from the God breathed, God inspired Word, therefore my discernment has to be from the Holy Spirit Himself. Maybe? Am I close? (See what I mean???)

Well, this is probably the longest blog I have written in a while...so I will retire here...pray for me my dear friends that I will hear the word of the Lord soon...I pray that I will trust in the Lord my God with all my heart more often. That I will lean on my own understanding less often, and in all my ways acknowlege him and not ignore him as he directs my path. Lord grant me wisdom and direction in the way life carries me. Help me to trust you more. Amen.